211.8-thoughts about this and that

Good morning

Dear Lord
Father above, thank you this day for giving to me a bible verse as I woke up. I know that you have a plan and I know that your plan is supreme. The bible verse you gave me was

"the steps of a rightous man is ordered by God" I don't think I have that like it is in the bible but the meaning is clear. You direct our footsteps, we must humble ourselves and tender our heart to hear you but I know that with my hand in Yours "all things work togeather for them that love the Lord" and that "You will perfect that which concerneth me"

Weight was up just a touch this morning and truthfully I am glad it is only up a touch. I mowed yesterday and got way overheated and could not get enough to drink. I drank about 3 sixteen ounce glasses of tea and water over a couple of hours and it was not going through me, (no bathroom visits) so I knew that my cells were absorbing that fluid like an old dried up sponge. I told dh that I would probably weigh 4 or 5 pounds more this morning. I am happy it was only 2 ounces. I suppose that it could still come and be there in the morning, but I will not beat myself up over it-I know that it will be temporary. Just looking at it will be a little depressing but I am going to try not to let it affect me.

Thought from the past:

I was born the 5th child in a family of 8 people. Mom dad, sister, brother, brother, brother, me, brother. There would have been 10 children but mom lost 4 and from the way she talked she was glad of it. In fact a lot of the time I think she would have been hapier had she been barren. She has told me she wished I had never been born.

Our life was drab and colorless. No color in our house or emotions (except anger) our clothes were drab our play was colorless and quiet we were not encouraged to be children in fact we were yelled at and called names and just emotionally abused. I was emotionally and physically and sexually abused by my father and my mom thought nothing of telling me I was stupid and ugly and fat. See no joyous color in our lives, just misery.

Now that was all we were used to and you don't miss what you don't have. I did not know there was color in the world.

BUT

Wonderful word

BUT

One day in the 3rd grade a little girl brought some red fingernail polish to school. AND SHE PAINTED ALL OF MY FINGERNAILS. What a beautiful gift to give to me. I had a red bird on my fingers, there set a red and beautiful sunset. There was a smile in the form of a color. There was beauty on my hand. Nothing can describe the joy I felt in looking at this tiny piece of color on my fingernails. I had bitten my nails for years so the nails were just tiny tiny pieces but she had painted each minuscule pices of nails that bright sunshiny color. Looking back on it if I had known about angels I would have sworn that my nails had been kissed by angels.

I proudly went home with my fingers that I looked at and smiled at. Not because I was proud of me but I was proud that such color existed and I was so lucky to have a bit of this color.

I came in and proudly said "Look, look what I was given at school"

And the floodgates of hell opened on me, and the wrath of the satan came down on my 8/9yr. old shoulders. I was yelled at and called stupid and beaten and I had to take a nail and scrape each precious speck of color off of my hands. Such horror that not only was I having to remove the color but I could not even keep the tiny specks. I had to throw them away.

I was called whore because I thought the color was so pretty. I did not know what the word meant. My dad sexually abusing me and him beating me for wearing polish. The irony was lost on me at that time but I do get it today.

To this day I love color, red and green and blue and yellow and orange, so much emotion can be displayed when you use the right color. I love yellow it is happy, and red is so joyous, blue is calming and green is lively. Everyone looks at color a different way.

This story is sad and it is also happy, I was abused but now I am not .
I once was a lost and unhappy child and now I am a Christian, and I am no longer lost and my entire world is filled with the color of God's love. He has given to me so much more than my childhood can ever take away.

He is the father I never had, He is my protector and my high tower. He is my rock and my best friend. He is the one that I run to when I need a solid foundation. He is my God and I love Him. He is the one that is unchanging and He loves me. His love for me lifts me above what was done to me and gives me a hope for the future-a hope for my eternity.

Praise His name for removing all of the hurt and pain and self hatred that was given to me by parents who did not know how they were supposed to treat their children.

Dear Lord
Thank You for your grace and your faithfullness in delivering me from the hands of Satan.

In the name of Jesus
Amen