My dad died

My dad passed away this morning at 9:45. I have made lots of phone calls and I have tried to sort out my feelings and here is as good a place as any for me to throw it all in out and try to make it all come togeather in my mind.

No he was not a good man. Jesus died for him as well as for me. He did accept Jesus as his savior several years ago and I am glad. I called him last night and told him that I loved him. I am glad I made the phone call, I am glad he did not die wondering if I still hated him like I used to. I don't hate him nowand I thank God that He gave to me a love for dad. Not the love that most fathers have from their children but the best I could do under the circumstances.

I feel numb inside. Not like I hurt for his passing, certainly not joyful. But he did say he was ready to meet the Lord.

Jumbled feelings, one person that I called this morning told me to keep thinking about the good times. I did not tell her but in my memories there simply is not that many good memories. There is a lot of horrible memories, or skin being torn by belt buckles and the most horrible things he made me do, and the yelling and name calling and chasing my blother with a tobacco stick, and pulling a branch out of a tree and hitting my sister with it. Memories of me standing between him and mom when I was 21 yr. old and he was a bout to hit her with a tire iron, and she had a bat about to hit him with it. Memories of me having ulcers when I was 18 and the dr. asking about my home life and him telling me that stress causes ulcers and me knowing that I had that pain for years.

I don't know how I am supposed to feel. Should I feel forrow, is something wrong with me because I don't, I am not feeling joy that he is dead. I don't want to seem heartless. I am a very confused person I wish I could just sleep until it all goes away.