my testimony

Monday, June 4, 2007


My testimony


Sometimes life is very hard, and the children are the ones that carry the scars or a bad life. I had a very hard childhood. I was an abused child, no part of me was safe . I grew up hating and distrusting everyone. The hate that I had in my was like a cancer that grew and grew, I could function in the world and you would never know that I was consumed with the hate that filled my mind.


My father was not a nice man but he did not want anyone to know this. He was a Sunday school teacher at the church he attended faithfully. I did have knowledge of God and I did believe in Him as a child. I grew up, got a job, met my husband, had children, and I raised them and I did not carry the abusive ideas into my role as parent. I knew how I wanted to raise my children and I raised them, respecting them and loving them.


Since I did not work after I had children, we did not have much money but they had me, I played with them and laughed with them and helped them with their homework. I did not give them much things, but I gave them all of me. But the nightmares that I had two and three times a week consumed me sometimes and I am still surprised that I was able to cope with my life and my family and not lose my mind. Several times I did try to commit suicide.

Time passed and I being the intelligent person that I am, decided that there is no God, I used my ability to figure things out to talk myself out of the one Person/God who would have wiped every tear away, would have soothed every painful moment. I was a full fledged athiest and I would argue, intelligently of course, with anyone that even mentioned God to me. If they continued with trying to talk to me about God I would use profanity to get them to leave me alone.

My children grew up and I had the typical problems with teenagers. I feel that overall I did a good job raising them especially when I look back at the emotional handicap I suffered. So once they were grown I started looking for a job. And I found one at a casino.



I quickly became night manager and I enjoyed the job. Dh worked away from home all week so it was just me at home and I could work at night and sleep in the day. I met some very friendly people. One night I had to go in early and there was a very young black man there, maybe between the age of 20 and 25. He left shortly after I came in and he left his jacket and he came back for it later. And he brought a gun with him and he tied me up and he placed the gun right up against my head and he demanded all the money. (He poured pepsi cola on me -never could figure out why) I am no super hero I gave him all the money.



He wanted the money out of the machines and I did not have the key and he was threatening to shoot me. About that time the phone rang and he ran but, I was tied up and could not answer the phone. In time I worked my way free and I called my husband, and the police. I quit my job that day. I went home and I stayed there with the blinds pulled and my doors locked for about 2 months and I was so afraid all the time. When I finally started getting out I had to have dh or my son, or daugher with me. I was unable emotionally to get out by myself. And I would dream of the gun against my head -I could feel that cold metal pressed up against me, I was becoming more and more unstable. My dr. later told me that I had post traumatic stress syndrome.



I was so afraid of people and did not want anyone getting within touching distance of me. I still did not believe in God. My husband was very worried about me and he decided to move me from the beach area to where we live now. My sister lived 3 miles from me and she started inviting me to go to church with her. I would cuss at her and tell her what an idiot she was for falling for the idiocy of God.



I did love my sister, but I just did not want anyone pushing God at me. My daughter got married and used the preacher where my sister and mom attended. The preacher walked up to me after the ceremony and lovingly said "I would love to see you and your husband in church" I turned to him as mean as I could and said I do not believe in religion. And he walked away with this very hurt look on his face and I was so proud of myself. One day in November (2004)my Sister called me and again wanted me to go to church, but this was for a Thanksgiving meal with just the women. She said it was a Womens ministry meeting, she said I would have a good time. I told her it sounds like fun but I did not want anyone pushing God. So she talked to everyone and God was not mentioned except for the prayer over the food. SURPRISE I loved it I loved the women, they were funny and caring and loving and just regular people.



I had been exercising regularly and some of the women knew this and they had asked me to start a healthy living meeting and I was starting to work on that. And one of those women asked me to go to church to help get the group going. I went to church on Feb. 13 and the following day Feb. 14 I called the paster to tell him that I enjoyed the sermon. Pastor was not there and I talked with his wife. She was so sweet and gentle with me, and I don't even know what she said but it quickened my heart, and I started weeping and I begged God to save me. I worshipped Him on my knees and I have not looked back. I turned all over to Him. All the pain from all the years. All of the hurt and nightmares and fears I gave to my Lord. My God, My Father, How wonderful that I can say that and feel it and love Him and know that He loves me.



I had developed a serious breathing problem about 4 months earlier and my breathing at times was so shallow that even though I exericsed, the breathing sometimes made doing anything difficult. The dr. could not find anything to cause the breathing problems and I had all kinds of test run and still nothing showed up. I was so afraid that I was going to die. When I got saved I still had the breathing problems but I was no longer scared about dying. I knew I would die and go to heaven and I would be holding the hand of my Lord I knew I was going to heaven. I was saved on Valentines day. On the following Sunday my husband was saved, praise God, it just gets better and better. What a joyous week and then I went up to be prayed for and God healed me of the breathing problem. I went from being an athiest to being a child of God -He is so wonderful to me, He saved me and He healed me. He did not care that I did not believe in Him, He wanted me to be His.





He is-- my creator, redeemer, savior, best friend, rock, protector, sanctuary, king, defender, refuge, preserver, restorer, God is-- almighty, everlasting, eternal, omnipotent, holy, merciful, righteous, just, immortal, infinite, unchangeable, reliable, trustworthy, perfect, all powerful, supreme, truth, gracious, and most of all He is Love. And because of His love I am a new person and He is my Lord.Each day is a wonderul experience for me. I wake up loving the Lord and wanting to worship Him. I wake up full of joy and peace and contentment.



Last summer I went to my father and with the love that my God showed to me, I told my dad (something on this order) We both know that you were not a good father to any of your children. And we both know that I had a hard and unhappy life because of it. But I want you to know that the Lord lives in my heart now and there is no longer any room for me to hate you. Because God forgave me I can now forgive you. And then I hugged him. I will never be able to give to him the love and respect a good father would have from his daughter. But I can love him with the love that God gives me.



Update----



I wrote this in June 2007 and so much has happened since then I felt the need to update my testimony.



My father died in December, he never asked for my forgiveness. I gave it freely to him just as God freely forgave me.


My husband has been healed 2 times of different things, one was when the dr. said he had Lupus, after 2 weeks the dr. said it was not Lupus, it was a skin allergy. Another time he had a black mole on his back and I called my praying friends and within 24 hours the black mole was flesh colored and almost disappeared.



I serve a wonderful God and I praise Him daily for just accepting me as His child. After all the horrible things I said-I know that it is by His love and grace that I am on my way to the home that He has built for me, I will be in His prescence forever.