Taking the covers off and really taking a good look at me
What do I see when I look at me. I know that as an adult survivor of childhood abuse, my percpetions are a little skewerd (is that a real word?) I see the world in a lot of totally black or totally white. Example from my perspective only =I do not think that everyone should look at the world the way I do-I expect everyone to give me that same right. I do not think that people that do bad things can be called good people. My sister tells me all the time that Person A is a good person. I tell her he is not good if he tells dirty jokes, or runs around on his wife. Good people don't do that.
Sometimes I look at myself, not the outer me but the inner me ,and I see someone that has been taken apart and a childs hand has tried to put the peices where they belong. Ry used to have a book that the pictures of people were cut at the neck and at the middle and at the knees. You could put a womans head on a mans body or have purple shirt polka dotted mens pants and high heeled shoes. I am glad he did not enjoy playing with it cause it seemed a little odd to want to do such a thing. And yet I feel that way like something is not quite right with me.
I seem to be constantly trying to get my mind to line up.
Why does it seem like I am all or nothing? Either I am dieting, to stay healthy, lose weight , have energy or I am trying to eat everything in the house wheather it is good or bad. What triggers me to be the bull in the china shop -not caring if I damage the fragile china (the fragile china is me :}
OK enough
I woke this morning back in the right mode-plans are made go get groceries and I will get what I need to sustain a healthy diet.
I started on diet number 2377 today. I have done this so much I could be called an expert on dieting-I know what should be done, I know what needs to be done, I don't know how to make myself continue the plan day after day after day after day---etc. And I don't know how to get right back up, and I don't know how to forgive myself when I fail and I don't know how to stop putting my self down for failing.
Why can't I say "oops" and keep on trucking.
But right now this minute
I prepared a low carb (and low calorie, although I did not plan it that way)
two egg whites and one whole egg
stir fried veggies (okra, broccoli, cauliflower, onions, shredded cheese)
in other words a veggie omelet- although I prepared the veggies like a stir fry becasue I wanted to put just a little soy sauce on my veggies, I should have looked it up first just to see if soy sauce is allowed I didn't and now it is too late becasue I ate it and I really enjoyed it.
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10When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
11Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.
12Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
13I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
14Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
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Don't you love the Scripture you just quoted?! There is nothing more comforting.
ReplyDeleteIt has come to bother me when people (or when I catch myself) referring to people as "good." None of us are good, no, not one (Romans 3:12). I look at myself, and even the "good" things I do are for selfish reasons. I believe any good work is strictly through God's doing, and His definition of good is different from the world's.
We're all born into sin and worthy of hell. I know this is a downer to the world, and I don't like thinking of it, myself, except for the fact that Jesus stands in our place and saves us from what we deserve.
Joy, you are a broken person. So am I, and so is every other seed of Adam. I know you carry a lot of bad memories and encounter obstacles in life that some others don't, and I'm sorry for that and mourn it with you. But I rejoice with you knowing that this evil world is not our home.
Love you, and God bless!
And happy 4th of July! Galatians 5:1: "Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage."
Oh, no! I wrote you a whole comment and it's gone! Ack.
ReplyDeleteFunny thing, tho. It was almost exactly what Josie said--right down to the Scripture references about no one being good.
I think the same way as you do, tho, when I hear someone say, "He's a good person, but..
I always think, "Really? huh. Doesn't sound so good to me."
I think I know what they mean, tho. I mean everyone, except the truly, totally depraved perhaps, have some "good" in them. Even hardened criminals can show affection towards their dog, for instance. Or someone who commits adultery can have compassion on someone who loses their job. you know? I think that's what people mean when they say...a good person, but...
Someone who commits adultery has a character issue for instance--a blind spot re: morality. Call it what you will, it ain't good. :}
I guess the bottom line is that Jesus gave us each value by dying for us. He didn't die because we HAD value--we have value because He died. And love sees that value despite the rot that goes along with it.
I work on seeing the value in even those I think are despicable. Some times I'm more successful than others. Even so, it's important, I think, to not be fooled by the "good" aspects of a person and allow yourself to gloss over the ungodly parts. It can be easy to do that--even sounds virtuous--but God doesn't do that. He loves us "anyway" but He sees people as they are.
Well. That was too long so I'll stop. You got me thinking.
And your Scripture? Love that. I used to have the first part written out in the front of my Bible. Yeah. There's a story that goes with that...
Hugs, Joy. I'm praying for you as I pray for me re: our family stuff and our lo-carb extravaganza. :)
Deb